What Are We Doing Wrong?

I am told that I am an over-achiever and that I spread myself too thin. (usually by my husband and dear friends) One of my "jobs" is supervising foreign exchange students. I have taken on this responsibility because I am a mother and I try to consider what the parents' concerns are having sent their child around the world to live with complete strangers. They do this so their child can increase their English speaking ability and comprehension, which allows them a better chance of success in their adult life. Normally, this is pretty simple, as most of the host families go into the process with all the right intentions, however, this year has been very different. I have four students, and three amazing families. One isn't. The student has only been in the US for a week, but I have already pulled him out of the home and he is now staying with me until I can find him a better, permanent home.

Here are some of the problems the family had and the mistakes that were made. The family never had children and didn't know how to relate to a teenager. (who of us really does know how to relate?) This wasn't really a problem, as I thought I could help guide them along the way. The real problem was that they wanted everything to work on the "black and white" scale. It was either this way or that way, with no room for compromise. When I would make suggestions, or relay discontent, there were a ton of excuses given for the bad behavior. The family focused entirely on the amount of money the student had to spend for the year, which caused me great concern. There was an attempt to keep the student from communicating with his natural family, which caused an increase in his home-sickness. Again, while trying to correct the issues, I was given a million excuses without any attempt at addressing the problems and correcting them.

One specific issue had to do with the student wanting to help with certain chores in the home. He was told "no" on several occasions. He comes from a culture where a rejected offer of assistance means the recipient believes you are not "worthy" of helping. This distressed him very much, so of course, I explained to the family how intent may not be interpreted correctly. I explained this specific situation. Rather than try to bond with the student by reviewing the situation and apologizing, the family decided to give a vocabulary lesson on the meaning of the word "worthy". Then there was an accident that caused bedding to get stained with ink from a pen. All linen was removed from the room, as was the "good" mattress, and the student was told he wasn't going to be allowed to use the "good" linen anymore. Soon after came stern warnings not to scratch any of the furniture. The student deserved better than this kind of home, so at 8:30 last night, I picked him up and brought him to my home and am currently seeking some place more suitable for him. (I'm sure you are asking yourself, why don't I keep him here. I live 40 minutes from his school in another state, and the local school systems have stopped accepting exchange students, so I have to keep him in his current school or he will be sent back to his home country). I could spend several more hours detailing some of the horrors this poor student had to deal with, but I think you get the gist of how unsuitable this home was.

Through all that has occurred, I have asked myself, what lessons can you take from this experience and share with others? Does any of this behavior parallel job seeker behavior, and can I benefit others with this experience? This is what I've learned and truly believe.

Most job seekers are willing to listen to suggestions and accept constructive criticism to better their search strategy, however, there are some that won't. Those that won't will make excuses or justify their bad behavior. If you have been given several opportunities (interviews) without results (job offers), and someone (friend, recruiter, career coach, or potential employer) tries to help you by offering suggestions or constructive criticism, LISTEN to them. Stop being defensive. Stop trying to justify bad behavior. Self-evaluate if necessary. The advice isn't meant to be unkind or hurtful. The advice is meant to help you reach a different result, which is employment. My role and my goal with Career Services Partnering Groups is to assist every willing job seeker in obtaining new employment. My role and goal with the exchange student program is to be sure the host families and students have an amazing, rewarding experience during their time in the US. I know I approach both roles with the same heart, compassion, and commitment, and because I approach both roles with the "right" intentions, I am able to be successful. My successes mean job seekers are going back to work, and exchange students are having amazing experiences. For me, it doesn't get any better than that!


Kim Cyr can be reached at kcyr@cspgroups.com, www.cspgroups.com or 888-831-9495